DAY SEVEN EXCLUSIVE

Channel 8 News, Your Leader in Hawaii for Rumors, Suspicions and Wild Innuendos

A wormhole, a supposedly hypothetical passage in space-time connecting widely separated parts of the universe, has surprisingly opened in our own Ewa Beach, Oahu, this past week. Incredible dimensions and occurrences of time travel are being created and experienced hourly.

Here is an exclusive interview with the local scientist, a Dr. H.E.W. Fong, credited with this discovery:

Dr. Fong, is it true that this wormhole actually opened to you on the interstate H-1?

Well, it’s Wiltfong, not Fong, and yes, the first experience was on the entrance to H-1 off Ft. Weaver Road. But I’m not…

What happened to you? Were you instantly transported to remote galaxies?

Eh? No, no, it wasn’t anything like that. It just seemed as if….

As a Hawaiian resident, do you believe this has anything to do with the recent inauguration of Aloha-President Barack Obama?

What are you talking about? I simply said that time seemed to go much faster…

Are the aliens more interested in our civilization since we have shown obviously developed higher standards in electing a relatively inexperienced head of our government based primarily on his Hawaiian origins?

Wait a minute; what are you talking…

How did this experience change you physically? Can you now read minds?

Hey, all I said was that time moved must faster when….

Was your Ford Explorer affected by your experience? Does it get better gas mileage now, or was it upgraded to an alien form of propulsion?

It’s not even my SUV, you stupid…

Your two grandchildren were involved in the first experience, weren’t they?

Well, I was driving my grandson to kindergarten, and all I said was that time seemed….

Are they both still physically humans, or have they moved to dimensions beyond?

Okay, they are Navy brats, so that may… hey, no, NO, they are just little KIDS! Where in the…

Okay, our station director is signaling us that we are almost out of time, so…

… world are you getting all this?!? All I said was that….

… before we break for wonderful updates from our sponsor…

… TIME SEEMS TO GO FASTER WHEN COLIN IS AT SCHOOL, YOU *#&$%(%)….

… “National Enquirer”, now available at all lower quality gas stations and convenience stores open 24/7,

… AND NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED….

… just one final question, Dr. Fong.

WHAT?!?!?

How is Elvis?