LEFT-HANDED VINES

Vines covering a house immediately bestow a sense of stateliness, accompanied by the obligatory murder/ suicide chilling tale, with beautiful antique blue willow plates displayed on the walls (have not idea at all what connection they have with the murders, but they seem to always be there).

Or perhaps it's just the blend of Mother Nature and human nesting, intertwined, bringing something earthy into the bricks and glass.

But it is always beautiful.

So when an actual vine began to grow up the side of our house, I was got overly excited.

I mean, I live in Arizona - you don't see houses covered with greenery unless the house is owned by grotesque water-abusers that will waste our previous resources throwing life-giving moisture away to promote purely decorative frivolous....

Sorry, my desert mind kicked in just then.

The vine I got excited about, however, is a true Arizona vine.

Skimpy.

And will be completely dried up and crumpled into dust in the next week when our little monsoon is over and our beautiful sun reigns supreme again.

Sigh.

Now the left-handed part.

I have complained for years about being whatever the opposite of ambidextrous is - I have trouble using EITHER hand, but ESPECIALLY my left-hand. I am so predominately right-handed that the only thing that comes to mind where I use my left-hand as well as my right is in typing.

In addition, the right-side of my brain is the damaged one - and since that (in theory, at least) is the side that controls your left side, it makes sense.

So this week I decided to do something about it.

I'm writing left-handed.

Yes, it looks like a child's scrawl at it's very best, but that just means it can't get any worse, right? 

POSITION OPEN

NEEDED TO START IMMEDIATELY: Hard working self-starter for chores, decision making, decorating and repairs. Must be a professional-trained nutritionist, personal fitness trainer, motivational speaker and voice coach.

I'm tired of being the one who is always in charge.

One of the nicest things about being in vacation is that you don't have to do the things you detest. If your laundry piles up, hey, it's vacation. The walls that need to painted, the microwave which was bombed last night by someones left-overs, the film of dust on the piano... none of it has to be addressed.

The sagging stomach muscles, the skimming of important documents - when I get home, I promise.

You can take the second dessert without any guilt - stay up late talking because you don't have to get up early tomorrow. You obviously have earned the time off, so why worry.


Which only worsens coming back to the waves of unfinished laundry, stacked piles of unopened mail, empty cupboards, animal hair everywhere.

Suddenly you have to acknowledge the scale which says yes, you still have 45 lbs. to lose - the mirror that screams, WHY HAVE YOU NOT BEEN MOISTURIZING - the church that whispers, you don't have your two grandchildren as an excuse anymore, you need to attend your meetings!

But our heating system is what began this train of thought. It's sort of like a faithful wife - you don't her until she is gone. This winter has been a particularly cold one, and our trustworthy little heater just keeps grinding on and spewing forth slightly warm air until the requested temperature is reached, and then shuts off with only one small gasp.

And yesterday, she seemed to be working just fine; at least the groan was familiar. It was a cold day, but I was accustomed to wearing three shirts, so I didn't notice any change.

Until it was 11:30 p.m., and when I walked back in the house after saying good night to Najale and Sally. And opening the front door, anticipating that nice rush of warm air.... in vain.

Some of you must have husbands who at least pretend to be a handyman. Who stare knowingly at the gauges, bang the machine with something silvery, take some things off and place theses greasy, dirty parts right on the newly cleaned carpet. That take two trips to Ace Hardware, come back with various mechanical pieces that turn out to be part c-117 and NOT the essential part C-118.

And then you call in a professional to fix the stupid thing - it takes him 12 minutes, and costs you $178.00.

My husband's honesty in this area should be commendable, but it drives me NUTS.

"Hey, honey, the heater isn't working!"

And that's it.

So then I am the one who has to stare knowingly at the gauges, bang the machine with something silvery, and take the two trips to Ace Hardware.

Fortunately, I, being the superior sex, also unplugged and replugged every wire I could see, cleaned out the fan area and rebooted the entire system.

And it worked.

I dust off my hands and sit back down in proud superiority.

ANY LAST WORDS?

I am leaving Hawaii early tomorrow morning and am being forced to deal with many conflicting emotions. I will leave it to you, dear reader, to determine which category each of the following should be placed in:

- I am leaving the company of the two most intelligent, beautiful and mischief-making children in the world.
- The aforementioned children have caused my normal blood pressure reading of 118/65 to run regularly to 190/133.

- I am leaving the island of Oahu, the community of Ewa Beach, and community of Honolulu.
- I am leaving humid temperatures than normally run around 85 degrees Fahrenheit.
- I am returning to a winter of an arid 85 degrees Fahrenheit during the day, and down in the 20's at night.

- I am leaving the pristine island beaches of Ko'olina just a 20 minute drive from my daughter's house.
- I have actually been to the pristine island beaches of Ko'olina just once in the month I've been here.

- I leave well educated in the pluses of membership with Costco, especially when living in an incredible expensive environment such as Oahu.
- I am returning to a locale where the nearest Costco is over two hours away in Tucson.

- I am leaving Wow Wow Wuggzy, Crash Van de Coupe, Blues Clues, and 23 repetitions of Itsby Bitsy Spider every evening.
- I am leaving diapers. In particular, dirty diapers.

- I am leaving having a DVR to record any show I miss, tune into late or just don't have time to watch right then.
- I am leaving my daughter, who is my favorite person to watch "The Office", "Desperate Housewives", "Project Runway"... in fact, just about any television show with.

- I am leaving huge, front-loading brand-new washer & dryer mounted on the accompanying albeit expensive pedestal so it is a reasonable height for an adult to load and unload, which is normally loaded with five extra large white bath towel, two sets of children's pajamas, three pairs of jeans, fourteen socks that have no match and keep getting thrown into the washer in the vain hope that somehow the missing socks will materialize from the thin air they have been hiding in for the past two weeks.
- I am returning to a huge, front-load washer which is not on a pedestal, and a regular old dryer which is normally loaded with my latest pair of filthy jeans, 13 dirty white socks, and a hand towel that was used to mop up all the water which Delilah spills on the floor every time she gets a drink.

- I am leaving a household which literally stops if a certain young lady does not have her pink and brown polka-dotted flannel blanket when it's time for her to go to bed.
- I am leaving a bed right next to my grandson's bed which, if I go to bed any later than his 8 p.m. bedtime, is normally occupied by my grandson, forcing me to literally roll him over three times to get him back on his bed.
- I am returning to a bed which is for me alone, and has my required five pillows (head, 2 for my shoulders, knees and to brace my back).

- I am leaving my daughter who still had six stitches in her right shoulder and is still in pain.
- I am leaving limited access to the Internet.
- I am leaving driving my grandson to and from kindergarten.
- I am leaving having a grocery store, drug store, Starbucks, Subway and TCBY within five minutes of the house.

I am trying to focus on the positive reasons to leave and go back home - and I am having trouble with it.

MOONLIGHT

I am realizing how much the phases of the moon affect me when I am home.

No, no, not in that way, you silly - my uterus has been gone for several years now, and believe me, I do not miss it in any way, shape or form.


But now I live a ways outside of civilization. The smallest area that you can build a house on is four acres, so even your next-door neighbor isn't very close.

There are no streetlights... NONE. No lights at intersections or even on the main highway. Houses are supposed to have only 'shaded' lights, ones that are directed only towards the ground and not emitting 'light pollution' - a term I used to view as a sissy word that tree-hugged used until I moved out in the country.


Not any longer. I will fight to keep my night sky and the thousands upon thousands of stars I can see at night. Growing up in the peak smog years of L.A. County, I had no idea of why the Milky Way was called that - something to do with the candy bar?


The moon dictates some of my daily activities when I am at home. My husband goes to bed right around 7 p.m. Well, no, he doesn't actually go to bed, he takes his sleeping pills around 7, and I have forbidden him to come OUT of his bedroom once he has taken them. Because then he gets relaxed, and then chatty, and then snacky (if there is such a word), and you can't him to go back to bed.


I've always been a night owl, so around 11:30 p.m. each night, I take both dogs, a bag of carrots and go outside to say goodnight to Najale nd Sally. The dogs get their business done before bed, the horses enjoy their treats, and I get to look at the sky.


So if the moon is at all in the night sky, I can walk out without any artificial light all the way to the corral. Even just a sliver of moon is enough. But if it's already set or has yet or has yet to rise, I either trust my instincts, sense of direction and rely on just the starlight - or take a flashlight with me.

Having a flashlight is fun, however. You know how you can get a cat to chase the light from a small pen light? My dog will do that with any sort of light, even a big floodlights, and never seems to tire of it.

But when the moon is out as it is tonight.... It's beautiful. But right now I am surrounded by houses, streetlights, driveway lights, car lights....

I kinda wanna get home and see it from my own back yard.