MOMMY DEAREST

Every year in the military, my husband would offer to bring home any soldiers or civilians that didn't have near family to spend the holidays with.

And the offer has been taken up every couple of years - some lonely privates, an American model that we got to know in Germany, and TONS of missionaries from our church.

We've continued the tradition even when back in the states, and it has always helped to have a couple of extra mouths to get rid of the HUGE amount of food my husband prepares every year (something to do with childhood memories of empty plates at Thanksgiving after his father left).

Today, two days before Thanksgiving, we found out that someone in my husband's work area would like to spend the holiday meal with.

But they are bringing someone with them.

Their mother.

Suddenly, the dynamics of Thursday have all been changed.

I mean, instead of a lonely, isolated military person, I am having:

1) A female staff-sergeant. This is someone who FOR A LIVING tells large groups of soldiers what to do and HOW TO DO IT CORRECTLY.

And, even more frightening than that,

2) THE PERSON WHO RAISED HER.

Suddenly I am cleaning out corners that never see the light of day - I am stuffing all sorts of piles into the spare bedroom (AND LOCKING THE DOOR LEADING TO IT).

Please - wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

NO ONE IS TO BLAME

I am beginning to appreciate what a terrible a parent I am - completely removed, impartial, cold and unfeeling.

None of the typical mother-figure, a full weeping and wailing and wringing of hands, apron thrown over her head, rocking back and forth moaning, 'Oh where oh where did I go wrong?!"

I'm not doing any of that.

I'm admittedly surprised that a child of mine has made some unwise choices. But he's not dealing with illegal drugs, hasn't gotten a girl pregnant, isn't turning to a life of crime (at least not as far as I know) - he is still going to church, he does keep in touch with me, he has admitted the 'seriousness' of his mistakes, and he is moving back home.

Heavenly Father had one third of his kids go completely over to the 'dark side' - and those of us who made it to mortality all have chosen some pretty stupid alternatives. We're hurt each other, those who are trying to help us, a bunch of us got together and crucified His son, had wars over trivial customs and property lines - in all honesty, behaved like a bunch of complete brats, ignoring His advice and commandments - repeatedly.

So why should we be surprised that it also happens to us lesser mortals?

Please, I am not trying to excuse myself here. I was a full-time working mom from when my first two were in school. I bent over backwards to respect my kids' privacy, allow them to make their own choices when possible and (most importantly) suffer the consequences of those choices (within limits, of course).

I am certain I could have done better. And done more.

But I also know that any of the moaning, groaning, self-castigating would not change what has already happening. I will try to reinforce the lesson(s) needed to be gleaned from this experience, but I cannot undo it. And getting upset, blaming, impugning myself or anyone else simply creates negative energy, increases tension, and does not accomplish anything positive.

So - why do I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty?