DEFINTIONS

Gary Coleman died this past week.

"Coleman was born with a congenital kidney disease which stunted his growth at an early age; as a result he is only 4' 8" tall. His height became his most distinguishing feature."

"He (had) congenital kidney disease caused by Focal Segmental Glomerulosclerosis. A Focal Segmental Glomerulosclerosis is an autoimmune disease where in there is destruction and alteration of the kidney which causes stunted growth. He had undergone kidney transplant and requires daily dialysis."

 

Yesterday my son-in-law claimed he was distinguished by his height - although in the reverse direction from Gary Coleman - Blake is 6'8".

 

I beg to differ... well, actually I'm not 'begging,' I SHOUT that THIS IS INCORRECT.

 

(Okay, Hope, go back to using an "inside" voice)

 

Some people are known for their physical traits - Andre the Giant wouldn't have gotten much attention if he was not a giant - Willie Shoemaker as an incredible jockey - Wilt Chamberlain would still have been a basketball great, I'll bet, but his height didn't hurt, right?

And if Elizabeth Taylor didn't have her face - Dolly Parton her chest measurements - well, it helps make them memorable at the very least. 

 

But for the majority of us, yes, we may be known as the "lady who brings brownies", or the "teacher who yells a lot" or even "the tall guy who works over in the next section." It may be a tag, an oddity, even, a way to point you out in a crowd,

But I doubt that unless your career, your corporal challenges in regular pubic situations are based on something you are physically, then it is NOT a "defining" term.

I await your apology, Blake.

THE FORMER JOLLY GREEN GIANT

This is exactly the way I feel. I am shrinking.

When I was in fourth grade, I was taller than my mother, my teacher, and the principal of my elementary school.

When I was in sixth grade, I was the same height as my brother, who is five years and two days older than me.

In high school, I was the second tallest girl there - Jane Witherspoon was at least six feet, I think.

My first year of college, I grew almost half an inch more - I believe it was because it was my first exposure to clean air. If I hadn't grown up in the smog of Los Angeles, I might be 6'5" right now.

I married someone tall- 6'4" - and that made me feel a little bit shorter.

And then my kids began growing up - and suddenly I was the shortest in the family.

Say WHAT?

Now I am literally one full inch shorter because of my spine compressing. It's not weak or bent or anything - it's just shrunk.


So when Colin and Kate are in fourth grade, they are going to TOWER over me, you just wait and see.

36" INSEAM

I must admit to being vertically challenged.

When I was four, I towered over my niece, who was a year older than me. I thought it had something to do with her being a blonde.

At age eight, I was as tall as my mother. I thought it had something to do with wearing high heels all the time (I'm not saying any of these thoughts were in any way logical).

At age twelve, I was the same height as my brother, who was five years old than me. I thought it had something to do with his long-term relationship with various chemicals.

By fourteen, I was taller than any boy in middle school. I thought it was simply because boys were so stupid.

In college, I worked at a roller-skate rink, which added four inches to my height, and learned not to be ashamed of it. (NOTE: that was also the year Randy Newman wrote the song "Short People").

Okay, Hope, is this leading to anything, like, SIGNIFICANT?!

Well, I am glad you asked that question. Because the answer is (drum roll, please) the JCPenney Spring Catalog.

Yes.

On the very first page, wide-leg jeans CA 844-5170, Misses Long, has a THIRTY-FIVE INSEAM!!

Around the world, women who are taller than 5'7", use coupon code CASVE10 before March 8th.

And no, I am not getting paid for this free advertising. Although, JCPenney, if you would like to send some bucks my way, I would not turn it away.