TERRORISM WITH FRIES

I am a law abiding citizen.

Perhaps to a fault.

I keep the speed limit, even when it's 25 mph in a residential area.

I use my turn signal even when I am turning into my driveway, which is off a dirt road, off another dirt road, off another dirt road, which is off a rural highway.


I am boring.

But the FBI must have a fairly thick file a file on me, because I order books on terrorism on-line for my husband.

I've purchased "Terrorism: Home Grown," "How To Build A Large Chemical Bomb In Your Basement," and the ever-popular "This Is How Your Socialist Government Is Corrupting Your Live And What To Do About It" - all for my husband's government security and anti-terrorism programs.

So as a normal American citizen, I do get that little knot sizing up in my stomach even when I have a completely clear conscience when I notice I am being followed by a police person.

So how about THIRTY-FIVE motorcycle cops - Pima County, AZ Bureau of Land Mngt, SWAT, Tucson and Border Patrol - who swing into the In-and-Out burger parking lot, dismount from their bikes, and then, ALL THIRTY-FIVE walk into the restaurant directly behind me?


In and Out has a pretty fast system, but I felt as if I was being looked at with radar eyes, the hot lamps blurring everything else in the room - they were gonna break me, and it didn't matter how hard I was, they were gonna find that clink and keep at me until I would scream in confession, "ALRIGHT! BOBBY MUNDZZEE WAS THERE! HE KILLED THAT GUY!!!"

Thanks goodness I got out with my burger and fries before I got to that point, and would have to admit that I don't know anyone named Bobby Mundzzee (good name, though, right?).

THE BISBEE POLICE BEAT

I swear these are straight from our local newspaper:

1:49 a.m. - A man reported receiving a call from an unknown man who identified himself as James. James said he had been hired to shoot the man, that he knew where he worked, what vehicle he drove, and he claimed to have had sex with the man's girlfriend. The caller's phone number was blocked. The girlfriend did not know who it could be. The case is suspended pending further leads.

12:39 p.m. - A man was reported causing a disturbance by screaming at people at the bus stop near Circle K. Officers gave him a ride to Goar Park.

2:51 p.m. - A rattlesnake was reported at a residence on the first block of Manzanita Street. An officer responded and disposed of the snake.

* 7:29 p.m. - A nude man was reported in the parking lot of Bisbee Beverage. Officers responded, but the man had already left the area.

7:44 P.m. - A group of juveniles were throwing firecrackers at a resident's door on the 200 block of Van DykeStreet Last week they threw eggs at her door. She followed them to a residence in the 500 block of Ruppe Ave. The officer made contact with the juveniles there and advised them to stop.

* 8:01 p.m. - A homeless man was reported sleeping in the car wash at Plaza Liquor.


And I don't know why, but this last one just tickles me the most:

11:38 p.m. - A patrol officer observed an open garage door. It is unknown who owns the garage. The office secured the door.

Only in southern Arizona.

SLOW NEWS DAY FOR OAHU

(STATION REPORTER AT CHANNEL FOUR NEWS) "Reporting live for Honolulu's Action News, with exclusive Action News Helicopter Coverage, we turn to this instant update by our field reporter, Darcy O'hanni'ia - Darcy, are you there?"

(DARCY O'HANNI'IA) "Lizzy, what you see on your television screen is a major law enforcement chase involving a black Ford Explorer and so far at least three police cruisers."

(STATION REPORTER) "Can you tell us what led to this situation, Darcy?"

(DARCY O'HANNI'IA) "We understand from police reports that this vehicle has been implicated in a Blockbuster Video crime. The driver of the Explorer, described as a mature Caucasian female, was initially charged with property damage after throwing a copy of the DVD of "Wow Wow Wuggsy" through the window of the store on the corner of Ft. Weaver and Iroquois Road while screaming, "WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A *%@$^ DROP OFF BOX OUTSIDE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, YOU MORONS?!"

(STATION REPORTER) "Wow, sounds dangerous. Was anyone hurt during this incident, Darcy?"

(DARCY O'HANNI'IA) "Well, Lizzy, we did have one report of a nearby Starbucks customer spilling their Grande Espperro Con Panna onto the cement outside. And there is one uncomfirmed, I repeat, uncomfirmed report of a Subway sandwich having no mustard put on it in direct response to this crime."

(STATION REPORTER) "And then what happened, Darcy?"

(DARCY O'HANNI'IA) "Police caught up to the Explorer at the McDonald's drive-thru, where the driver was forcing M&M McFlurry's down the throats of two screaming minors. The driver then took off, obliging police to follow in a wild car chase with speeds of up to 26 mph and strict observance of all traffic signs."

(STATION REPORTER) "What a thrilling chase, Darcy! And is it correct that this happened right in front of the Ewa Beach Lutheran 'Blessings From Above' Aloha Day-Care Center?"

(DARCY O'HANNI'IA) "It is, Lizzy, but as far as we can tell, all children and adults were evacuated by emergency vehicles immediately afterwards to wait out this situation. Again, as far as we know, all children at 'Blessings From Above' Aloha Day-Care Center are safe. Their location, however, is unknown at this time, and police are refusing to disclose it."

(STATION REPORTER) "Thank you for your outstanding coverage of this situation, Lizzy. What more can you add before we switch over to Honolulu's Up-To-The-Minute Weather Prediction?"

(DACRY O'HANNI'IA) "The situation right now is a possible hostage and ransom demand with the alleged criminal in the Ho'olwaii Housing Area, which has been completely sealed off. As you can see on our live cam, the entire area is surrounded by Honolulu and Ewa Beach S.W.A.T. teams as well as groups of Navy S.E.A.L.s, N.C.I.S., F.B.I., C.I.A., A.D.O.T. and S.O.B.s lending support.

"We will, as always, be keeping you up-to-date by-the-minute with our live-cam exclusive Action News Helicopter Coverage. Lizzy Bennett, Action News Live"

(SITUATION REPORTER) "Now we turn to our latest forecast - warm, sunny with some clouds, highs in the low 80's, low if the low 70's - same as today, yesterday, and most likely the next 322 days of the year here in Honolulu.

Good Night, and remember - All The News That Can Be Created is right here at Action News."