Thursday, February 12, 2009


The adage "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" has been proven wrong every single day by the long-term relationship between my husband and myself.

We have been married for over thirty years now, and while I am from Los Angeles, Wilt is from somewhere beyond the galaxy of Andromeda.

We are talking about places that are BILLIONS and BILLIONS of light-years apart. Forget this neighboring planets thing.

We agreed on three things when we got married in 1978, and after thirty years together, we now agree on only two things (and no, they are not even the same as the original three). Our votes routinely cancel each other out, we go see movies separately, he watches TV in his room and I watch TV in the family room. Our orders at any restaurant are different; in fact, we usually don't like the same restaurants.

For these same thirty years, I have taken 4,233,987,103 deep breathes and repeated to myself, "You can't change anyone but yourself. You can't change anyone but yourself" 4,233,987,103 times.

Today I have a bit of an epiphany about this mantra that I have used for so long.

Somehow with the idea of "You can't change anyone", my freaky co-dependent mind silently (but STRONGLY) adds on "but if you can't change them, there is obviously some things that you can do, so the challenge is to find what you need to change or you need to change FOR them...

... and eventually it will all become right just like you want it."

It's pretty bad when you reach my age (53) and are just beginning to recognize that all those voices in your head are, really, just voices in your head.

They are not leading me onto a greater truth; they are misguiding me, and they are going to keep reminding me of failures, of disappointments, of past faults.

While camouflaged as 'learning from past mistakes,' 'keeping your guard up' and 'just keep on keeping on', they are making you make long, elaborate detours and keep you from recognizing a fundamental truth:


Wait a minute, didn't you just said that was wrong?

Nope - it's only wrong when those co-dependent voices add on the rest. When I start accepting the reality, the fact that other people (including my obviously extraterrestrial husband) are THE WAY THEY ARE, I can deal better with acceptance, with forgiveness, with understanding.

And, as I keep learning and relearning and relearning, this is the way to peace.


Cheri Block Sabraw said...

Thanks for your reaction to my latest blog.

This post is true! Those of us who make it married to the same person after 25 years + are probably surprised that the two young starry-eyed people who married in total synchronicity, are now as different as planets...

Even changing oneself is challenging. What you may be referring to as that inner voice, I call mind talk. Mind talk is usually a lie. I took a seminar about this back in 1980; the leader called this mind chatter "the crafty-little sucker....

Take care,

Lisa said...

I remember realizing one day that my FEELINGS are not FACTS. They are feelings. Feeling like everything is going wrong does not mean that everything is going wrong. That taught me a lot.

Still have to remind myself every day though.