Saturday, April 18, 2009


I love modern medicine. I honestly do. I would not be alive today without it.

Hmm.... but I also would not have had some life-threatening issues without modern medicine.

But, really, it's great.

In fact, I need to share some parts of the final radiology report from last night's (well, actually this morning's part of) ER visit:

-"The visualized portions of the lung bases are unremarkable"

- "The liver, spleen, adrenal glands, gallbladder and pancreas demonstrate no acute abnormalities"

- "The large and small bowel are unremarkable."

Maybe it's just me, but haven't they just insulted eight of my internal organs?

But the best one of all,

- "The uterus is not seen most compatible with surgical removal."

That just makes me laugh.

The doctors, PAs, nurses, technicians and receptionists are all obligated to tell you or provide with a piece of paper that lists every single possible outcome of your condition (heart failure, kidney failure, dandruff and/or nightmares about intimate relationships with Ed Helms)

They must also have you sign copious amounts of legal paperwork (when you have seriously bruised your back and cannot raise your hand above your waist) that state you will not, under any circumstance:

- Sue any individual employed at the medical facility (although Marthing, Bething and Jennifering, as far as I can tell, have not been heavily contested in the court system yet - give it time)

- Take any of their advice in any manner other than the one they intended (i.e., "stay well-hydrated" does not justify going off on a week-long bender, and "return to er for any other concerns" isn't for filing for tax extension or marital counseling)

- Understand that any doctor, nurse or technician flirting with you after 11:45 p.m. is simply their trying to remain conscious after a fourteen hour shift, and is not to be taken seriously by the patient or any accompanying spouse (good thing I had my son drive me in, not my husband)

- "Avoid heavy lifting and strenuous activity for the next few days" is the same as telling that to a mother returning home with two little kids there already - ain't gonna happen.

But it finally became apparent to all health-care professionals involved with my case (which turned out to be about seventy-four) that I have a RENAL CONTUSION - which means my kidney has a boo-boo.

I am supposed to follow up with my doctor about "a few small nonspecific mesenteric lymph nodes" (do you still have those things when you've had a full hysterectomy?) were 'noted'.

At least they kept their dignity - they were NOT called "unremarkable".