YOU'RE IN THE ARMY NOW

Pre-1984, the concept of living in Hawaii ranked right in there along with images of hiking the entire Appalachian Trail, riding a camel across the Sahara, or climbing Mt. Everest.

People did it, there were pictures in the National Geographic to prove it.

But it wasn’t something that I would ever go or do.

People did live in Hawaii - I knew there were military assignments there - but it was like waiting for a bus that ain’t never, ever gonna come to your stop.

Plus the Army had not proven to be extremely reliable for our family over the past six years.

Bill was scheduled to go to Ft. Ord, in Monterey, California - beautiful coastal landscape that runs below San Francisco - as soon as he completed the M.P. training in Alabama.

Instead, we went to Ft. Riley, Kansas.

Bill got orders for Okinawa, an island south of Japan.

Then suddenly we were going to Giessen... West Germany.

But then the office in Giessen was bombed.

So we ended up in Duesseldorf.

I figured if we requested Hawaii, we would end up in Arkansas - Alaska - or Guam.

I seriously refused to believe it. Until the plane landed in Honolulu in June 1984.

LDS RS YW EQ HP

Before my husband joined the military, I had limited exposure to acronyms.

I mean, other than the regular ones, like ASAP, CPR, FUBR and PBJ.

But then the Army stomped all over us with TDY, PCS, CI, RIMPAC, MILPO, MOS...

I cringed at even the thought of acronyms for years. To understand my husband at all, I was forced to address my phobia, and even stop my support of the AAAAAA - the Association for the Abolition of Abused Abbreviations and Asinine Acronyms.

And becoming a member of the LDS church... well, that contributed to my dread, but I also had to learn to deal with it constantly (hence the title, for you fellow Mormons).

Then I went back to full-time, regular employment.

Suddenly I was up to my NECK in AHA lingo (AHA is American Heart Association).

And not just CPR or the HHA (at first we were the Hawaii Heart Association, and later became AHA, Hawaii Affiliate).

But ALL the programs that AHA offered back then - Schoolsite, Worksite, Communitysite and Healthsite - and the acronyms that AHA used, HHA used, the Programs Department (all two of us), and I created myself.

(Okay, well, maybe the ones I invented weren't so tough for me to deal with)

But now I can deal with almost any acronym - so I'm going to share a couple I found:

H.O.P.E - Housing Opportunities For People Everywhere - also Helping Other Parents Endure and Help Overcome Professional Explotation

R.B.B.B. - it doesn't just stand for Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers; it also stands for Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus

Check it out yourself at http://www.abbreviations.com/ . Put in your name and see what it comes up with.

DO YOU FEEL LONELY, DISPLACED AND/OR FRUSTRATED WITH YOUR LIFE?

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No, wait a minute. Got a little carried away there.

Okay. Back to the subject.

Tonight I was channel-surfing on the boob tube. I needed some mindless but remotely entertaining show to waste a half-hour on while still being able to concentrate on the lesson I am teaching on Sunday.

And there, right on the menu guide, the MOST mindless shows ever invented - "Deal Or No Deal"!!

I love Howie Mandel; I just admire how he can compliment those illusionary models without coming across as lecherous - to be around insanely excited people who insist on touching his germaphobic self and he deals with it (no pun intended) so graciously - and genuinely come across as pleased (or disappointed) with the show's results as the contestant.

A perfect way to waste time on a Friday evening when it's dark enough that you can't go play with the horses and your husband has already taken his sleeping medication and can't communicate in any known language.

And I was even more enthused when Howie introduced the contestant - a lovely young woman who was married to a Marine!

I used to make fun of Marines - as all Army and Air Force individuals are trained subliminally to do - until I worked on a Marine base (as opposed to an Army post) and learned that Marines normally do about six times as much as any other branch of service for no more money, no extra rank, just to be a Marine.

Insanity? Perhaps. I'm just grateful they're on our side.

So this woman comes out on Deal or No Deal, introduces herself as a Marine wife, and THEN - I am shaking with rage as I type this - says, and I'm quoting (well, actually, badly paraphrasing):

"But we've been at _______ (some duty station) for two months, and" this is the part that got me "I have no FRIENDS OR FAMILY HERE." (emphasis added).

And then the audience is supposed to go, "Ohhh..." in sympathy and understanding.

I actually don't KNOW if the audience followed their clue and went "Ohhh," because I found myself standing and SHOUTING at the television, "WHAT THE *#%$^& ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT, GIRLFRIEND!!??"

Military wives, who either marry a guy in the service or follow their husbands when he joins the military (SIDEBAR: I am totally and completely and unreservedly being sexist when I am saying active-duty husband and military wives... because that's usually how it goes) have to quickly learn a couple of important lessons:

1. You make friends QUICKLY, because you don't have years and years to gradually get to know your neighbors - at best you have MONTHS before they or you are transferred.

2. You FIND your military family - your mom can't always fly to another continent when the baby gets sick, so you learn to rely on women whose husband's work in the same office as your husband, whose husbands are off in Iraq or Germany or Florida as often as yours is. You find your church family - you find out that the new friends you have just made need your help also.

If I sound callous, cruel and unsympathetic, it's because I've been there way too many times.

I get incredibly impatient with people who feel lonely - because I have perhaps an incredibly simple answer - GET OVER YOURSELF AND GO OUT AND HELP SOME BODY ELSE.

Every non-profit organization in the United States needs volunteers. American Cancer Association - Heart Associate - VFWs. Every single school in every single state would LOVE to have someone to help file, assist teachers, watch over the lunchroom.

We as humans, ALL of us, want some one else to pick us up, to love us, to care for us. And we can't get it through our incredibly THICK skulls that EVERYONE ELSE feels exactly the same way. We are ALL walking around in our little cloud of loneliness and despair, and with our emotional and spiritual blinkers on, can't see the precise same type of fog over the people next to us.

Sorry. This is a soapbox I've stood one again and again. And I am certain I will stand on it again.

Why?

Because I need to keep being reminded of this exact lesson.

Again. And again. And again.

Get out of yourself - do something for some one else- you will feel better, and you will begin to develop friendships. And you will find your family - the ones who aren't related to you.

I promise.