GERONIMO!!

Late one night I had a soda explode in my face.

Ungainly is a polite expression, but an honest description of me would include that in addition to gawky, clumsy... well, I tend to drop things.

Easily.

And frequently.

So it wasn't entirely unexpected that the can slipped easily from my grip.

But, like the true solider I am, I immediately threw myself on top of the grenade (sidebar: did you know the word 'grenade' is derived from the French word for 'pomegranate'? Does that make about as much sense as anything French does? Pomegranate?!) to absorb the detonation.

Well, actually, I picked up the foaming, spitting and hissing can, resulting in sticky, sweet fizzy soda flowing all over my hands, my arms, my legs AND getting into my hair.

I threw it into the kitchen sink, and then (and only then) thought (finally) of the concept of COVERING it with a towel to lessen the damage.

And then spent probably twenty wiping down the fridge, the counters, the cabinets, the dishwasher, the dog, the floor, the ceiling, the oranges in a nice decorative bowl, the nice decorative bowl, and my face. Everything I was wearing was consigned to the washing machine - a hot shower was essential to get my hair separated again...


But my skin was glowing for the next two days.

Have I found the latest HSN skin care solution available at www.lateatnightgetrippedoff.com and 1-800-SUC-KEER (1-800-782-5337) for only $14.95, and if you call within five minutes, you will also receive, A FREE GIFT (isn't that an oxymoron? Gifts are free or they wouldn't be gifts, would they?) of two, TWO beautiful and colorful necklaces.

Call NOW - operators are standing by!

I got to wait HOW long?!?

There is an annoying commercial that had been driving me NUTS ever since I saw it about a month ago.


Although I am beginning to wonder if I imagined it - I can't find a video of it on YouTube, so maybe it doesn't really exist in this particular time-dimension....


This is about a guy who is all upset because of 'irregularity' - not having 'regular movements' - needing to 'improve your digestion' - you know what it's referring to.

(Completely random thought - why is it okay for the word 'penis' to be on television, but somehow 'bowel movement' is not appropriate? Anyone wanna tell me?)



So this middle-aged American white guy (yeah, let's typecast this dude, okay?) is distraught because, and I quote, he "can't wait seven days!" for the 'other' form of relief (yogurt? drinking water? regular exercise? fiber?) for his... well, his "problem."

So he HAS to have the whatever-the-immediate-relief-thing is.


But this is the phrase in the commercial that just kills me - "I can't wait seven days."

So I just gotta find this fellow and ask him, "So where are you gonna be in seven days?"


It's like when people, when talking about going back to college, say, "But man, I'll be forty by the time I graduate!"


So you aren't going to be forty if you don't go back to school?


If you are forced to take a 'shorter' remedy for your digestive tract problem, than you are restricted from taking a 'longer', perhaps better one, that may take - GASP! - SEVEN DAYS!?


We, as Americans, are such an immediate gratification freaks.


However.

I must admit something.

I had a skin biopsy two weeks ago.

And didn't find out the results until yesterday, after 17 days of waiting.


It was just a place on my shoulder that never healed up; sort of like an open scrape. And if two family members hadn't already been diagnosed with skin cancer, I probably wouldn't have done anything about it for quite a while.


But once the "c" word is out there, it's just what comes back the next time you have, say, a sore - an ache in your side - trouble breathing - etc. etc. etc.


I'm okay - I've got what is called "actinic keratosis" (which sounds like it should be some sort of adorable disorder toddlers develop from drinking kerosene, doesn't it), which is the most common precancerous growth - and only about 5% develop into actual skin cancer.


But boy, did I want that 'immediate' report. Right then.