Friday, November 14, 2008


I love this woman's blog. She was on "Blogs of Note," so I can't take any credit for revealing her lyrical prose to the masses (well, the three or four of you who actually read my blog), but I can easily relate to her, and (sorry, this is the bad news for you three or four) she inspires me to tell my OWN analogous tale (See? Aren't you already impressed that I am using big words like 'analogous'? Can you tell she's an educator?).

Okay, now if you have clicked on this link, and read her entry, do it now.

No - really, do it.


Sorry, got a little carried away there (but I'll bet you anything Harmony is smiling right now because "YEAH! My mommy CUSSED!").

I was born with... well, let's put it this way. Beauty in human is often (read that "ALWAYS") judged by the symmetry of facial and body features (that supposedly is why Denzel Washington is so hot; his face is amazing symmetrical. Personally, I think he's hot just because he's hot).

So guess what. I am not. Symmetrical, I mean - not hot... well, wait, at least my husband thinks I'm hot, so.... but again, not symmetrical.

I am not 'evenly distributed.' Some of it is minor - I mean, very few faces are completely symmetrical (discard 99% Hollywood actors) - and some of it is just a little inconvienant (I have one leg almost one inch shorter than the other - added up to a lot of lower back pain for a lot of time).

And since I never received any orthodontic treatment when I was growing up (I barely got dental treatment), I grew up to adulthood with a pretty severe overbite (i.e. my top front teeth were about an inch and a half in front of my bottom front teeth). The chipmunk look. Very popular in the wilderness.

Long story made short ("TOO LATE!"), I tried for the necessary jaw surgery while my husband was active duty Army (translation - FOR FREE). And since I had to be referred from an ENT specialist (ear nose and throat - and read that 'expert', not the military rank), I took advantage of church familiarity (member of my ward bishopric) to get the aforementioned referral.

Major Dennis (first name, I can't remember his last) was such a sweet guy - he happily gave me the referral, and then oh so carefully added, "Hope, I love your nose. You have a great nose. But have you ever thought about having it fixed?"

My nose wasn't humongous, it was just a little bit drooped and had just a slight ridge - what they used to call "Aquiline" or "Roman" in old novels, and with men, at least, it always seemed to be meant complementary. And new Army doctors-destined-to-become-plastic-surgeons-in-their-civilian-lives needed the practices, so...

It's free, why not?
So I had the jaw surgery (the most painful thing I've ever gone through, and that includes three 'natural' childbirths), and then six months later the nose surgery (rhinoplasty - doesn't that word just bring forth wonderful images?).

And yes, you do look like this after nose surgery. Everyone glared at my husband so much he refused to be seen with me until the black eyes were gone (about two weeks).

And, following Cheri Block's example, I figured I saved....

Chin Lift: $5900.00 (since that's what my jaw surgery actually did)

Nose lifted up at the bottom: $1700.00

Nose smoothed down at the top: $1700.00

Operating Room: $2300.00 X 2 surgeries = $4600.00

Anesthesiologist: $1300.00 X 2 surgeries = $2600.00

Grand total that (at the time) seven years of military life saved me: $14,800.00

And guess what? I STILL ain't symmetrical.