Saturday, January 24, 2009


(STATION REPORTER AT CHANNEL FOUR NEWS) "Reporting live for Honolulu's Action News, with exclusive Action News Helicopter Coverage, we turn to this instant update by our field reporter, Darcy O'hanni'ia - Darcy, are you there?"

(DARCY O'HANNI'IA) "Lizzy, what you see on your television screen is a major law enforcement chase involving a black Ford Explorer and so far at least three police cruisers."

(STATION REPORTER) "Can you tell us what led to this situation, Darcy?"

(DARCY O'HANNI'IA) "We understand from police reports that this vehicle has been implicated in a Blockbuster Video crime. The driver of the Explorer, described as a mature Caucasian female, was initially charged with property damage after throwing a copy of the DVD of "Wow Wow Wuggsy" through the window of the store on the corner of Ft. Weaver and Iroquois Road while screaming, "WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A *%@$^ DROP OFF BOX OUTSIDE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, YOU MORONS?!"

(STATION REPORTER) "Wow, sounds dangerous. Was anyone hurt during this incident, Darcy?"

(DARCY O'HANNI'IA) "Well, Lizzy, we did have one report of a nearby Starbucks customer spilling their Grande Espperro Con Panna onto the cement outside. And there is one uncomfirmed, I repeat, uncomfirmed report of a Subway sandwich having no mustard put on it in direct response to this crime."

(STATION REPORTER) "And then what happened, Darcy?"

(DARCY O'HANNI'IA) "Police caught up to the Explorer at the McDonald's drive-thru, where the driver was forcing M&M McFlurry's down the throats of two screaming minors. The driver then took off, obliging police to follow in a wild car chase with speeds of up to 26 mph and strict observance of all traffic signs."

(STATION REPORTER) "What a thrilling chase, Darcy! And is it correct that this happened right in front of the Ewa Beach Lutheran 'Blessings From Above' Aloha Day-Care Center?"

(DARCY O'HANNI'IA) "It is, Lizzy, but as far as we can tell, all children and adults were evacuated by emergency vehicles immediately afterwards to wait out this situation. Again, as far as we know, all children at 'Blessings From Above' Aloha Day-Care Center are safe. Their location, however, is unknown at this time, and police are refusing to disclose it."

(STATION REPORTER) "Thank you for your outstanding coverage of this situation, Lizzy. What more can you add before we switch over to Honolulu's Up-To-The-Minute Weather Prediction?"

(DACRY O'HANNI'IA) "The situation right now is a possible hostage and ransom demand with the alleged criminal in the Ho'olwaii Housing Area, which has been completely sealed off. As you can see on our live cam, the entire area is surrounded by Honolulu and Ewa Beach S.W.A.T. teams as well as groups of Navy S.E.A.L.s, N.C.I.S., F.B.I., C.I.A., A.D.O.T. and S.O.B.s lending support.

"We will, as always, be keeping you up-to-date by-the-minute with our live-cam exclusive Action News Helicopter Coverage. Lizzy Bennett, Action News Live"

(SITUATION REPORTER) "Now we turn to our latest forecast - warm, sunny with some clouds, highs in the low 80's, low if the low 70's - same as today, yesterday, and most likely the next 322 days of the year here in Honolulu.

Good Night, and remember - All The News That Can Be Created is right here at Action News."