WATER WATER EVERYWHERE

Is it possible to miss something that you have never had? One of my favorite theories is that everyone experiences what I call 'celestial homesickness.' We all long for someplace better - a home with understanding, acceptance, and love - and I think it is a remnant of what we experienced in our pre-mortal existence.

But I grew up with the ocean, albeit 45 miles or so away. And adored hitting the beach every possible moment while living on Oahu in the 80's; began 'serious' jogging (although combining the words 'jogging' and 'serious' in the same sentence is more than ludicrous) in Waikiki Park along the beachfront; and actually got into good enough shape while living in Hawaii to not dread being seen in a swimsuit.

Tonight, all those memories came rushing back as my daughter and I stood by the waves hitting the beach.

You don't realize what you've got until someone takes it away.

ALOHA

Some things are exactly as I remember them - blue sky, constant breeze, green green mountains, smiling person in mumus and aloha shirts. Some things have changed - three interstate highways ('interstate' means federally funded, not going between states - it would be a very wet drive otherwise), six lanes of traffic and actual traffic jams.

I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly I adjusted to the 95% humidity. It does help that southern Arizona actually had a monsoon this summer, but the 35% that we moan and groan about it really nothing in comparison to Hawaii. And I'm certain simply BEING here with family is what has helped with any weather, time or comfort adjustment.

But I haven't been to the beach - I haven't driven back to view any old haunts - I really haven't been out of the house much except to take my grandson to and from kindergarten (private school, half hour away - and double the gas prices from the mainland). I'm mostly vegging watching Kate play and having our normal jump-from-subject-to-subject conversation with my daughter.

I am loving it.

STALKING

A crisis of some sort occurs at or around our house whenever a member of the family is leaving. A flat tire, insane weather, animal health... something. Sunday morning, as I was preparing to leave for Phoenix, I heard something. Sounded like a young female voice - screaming something.

Since I don't trust my hearing (and if you knew me, you would not either), I ran inside (another mistake - at 53 years of age and some 50 extra lbs., I should never attempt any faster pace than a brisk walk) and yelled for my husband to come out - QUICKLY.

Now, my husband is great in almost any emergency situations (PMS demanding chocolate ice cream - not so much). He gets into this wonderful 'in-charge' mood, is attentive, and LISTENS to whatever emergency information I have to share (note: the wording here is 'emergency' information - not a normal conversation or anything). He races outside with me, takes note of the possible direction of the voice, and begins to run back into the house to get dressed (he was, at the time, clothed only in his bathrobe and bedroom slippers).

But I shout, "NO, NO, LISTEN!!" I wanted to make certain he was hearing the actual cry that I was - too many times I hear 'voices in the wind' that are simply the mutterings of our mesquite trees or grousing of the yuccas (my hearing really is that bad). We both froze, and then did hear, "GET OFF ME!" from the southeast.

My husband then dashed off, I assumed, to get dressed and get in the car. I ran as far as our fencing would let me in that direction, and was surprised to see (okay, sit down if you aren't already) crouching and running thorough the brush a half-naked adult male with a shotgun.

And yes, it was.

Turned out that a neighbor's youngest daughter was mad about something, and WAS yelling, but no one was around her or bothering her. It required a return phone call to both 911 and the Border Patrol, but I called off the Calvary, my neighbor was very embarrassed, but I left shortly afterwards for my trip.

The image, however, is forever imprinted on my brain. I may need counseling before I can return home.

GROUND ZERO

1) Person #1 has a great affection for Dog #1

2) Person #1 has left Dog #1 in care and keeping of Person #2, who also is responsible for Dog #2, Cat #1, and Horses #1 and #2.

3) While in the care of Person #2, Dog #1 is kicked in the face by either Horse #1 or Horse #2 (actual incident was not witnessed).

4) Person #2 staunches blood flow, administers pain relievers (after consulting Dog #1 breed specialist by phone), and overlooks blood stains on t-shirt, couch, carpet and two towels.

5) Person #1 returns shortly afterwards, and remarkably does not immediately head out to shoot Horse #1 and/or Horse#2.

I feel extremely bad about this. The greyhound has been streaking right next to the horses for weeks, and this was just an accident waiting to happen. But I also can't blame whichever one of the horses for striking out.

Anybody know how to remove dog blood from all the aforementioned household items?

LOST AND FOUND

My neighbor Julianna is dying of cancer. After one round of chemotherapy and two of radiation, a move back to Washington state for her family, she and her husband David have moved back here and are just taking it one day at a time. Julianna is staying incredibly busy, between mowing four acres of grass (honestly), volunteering for the American Cancer Society, and, believe it or not, helping OTHER people with lesser problems such as heart blockage and marital distress.

I feel guilty for not being more 'there' for her. I've fixed her computer more than once, created graphics and signs for her yard sale (in which she, again, extremely unselfishness, was getting rid of a lot of her personal belonging, saving her husband the trouble of having to do it later), but am not certain which borders to keep or ignore.

I am also, very selfishly, luxuriating in every single moment I have at home, particularly this week when I am ENTIRELY alone (well, if you don't count two dogs, one cat, two horses, and three flies who have set permanent residence in my laundry room). It's amazing how one's daily view is entirely altered by 1) not having to be any place at any certain time, 2) refusing to feel any remorse about hours spent playing solitaire, watching "Pride and Prejudice" and eating chocolate, and 3) having no negative energy around (except for the greyhound's unpredictable demands to go outside, look pointedly west, and then turn around and insist on being let back inside instantly.

However, tonight, just as I had released both horses for their evening graze, Julianna walked over, as we stood chatting at the gate for probably a good half hour. Again, she impresses me so much with her positive attitude, her renewal of faith (she has gone back to her original Catholic beliefs, and seems to be comforted), and her sheer strength, even as her walk becomes more insecure and her voice falters at time.

So, as she turned back home (and since David was walking out of their house, I felt okay about leaving her), I gathered the two dogs (who had been alternating between whining at my feet or chasing each other), and began walking over to where I had last seen the horses.

Guess what? No horses.

I took a deep breath, told myself that two large animals such as Najale and Sally could not easily hide, regardless of how high the grass has gotten, and began scanning the horizon.

Again - no horses.

I made myself take another deeper breath, and began walking, not running, towards the back of the house, trying to believe that they might be over by the air conditioner… although they don't like being next to the noisy fan generator, and normally only go there when I am leading them around.

Yet again - no horses.

So at an increased pace (again, not running… but definitely getting closer to that pace), I began to circle the other end of the house. There are four acres fenced in where the horses could be, and I was beginning to… not panic, but be concerned.

Once more - no horses.

I was rapidly giving way to the possible terror of losing 1,800 lbs. of moving horse-flesh who had somehow jumped the fence and were perhaps heading for either the Mexican border (to be detained as - can you see this one coming - drug mules by the Border Patrol) or Coronado National Monument to be captured by tourists who mistake them for ghosts of the conquistador's mounts, when…

TA DA!! Two completely uncontrolled and unrestrained horses had taken refuge… BACK IN THEIR ENCLOSED AND FENCED PASTURE. Eating leftover hay. From what they'd had for dinner tonight.

Geesh. I didn't need that spike in my blood pressure tonight.

THUNDERING HOOVES

Every evening, the roar of riding lawn mowers permeate the quiet twilight hours as homeowners attempt to conquer our unusual and high growth of weeds, grass and assorted bushes that have followed our abundant monsoon season here in southern Arizona.

There is a theory that people are superstitious (rabbits foot, lucky numbers, etc.) because there is so little in our lives that we actually can control, and this allows the illusion of being in charge. I make the same argument for individuals who sweat, strain and swear at their lawns as they attempt to conquer what they have encouraged to grow.

I take pride in our unkempt and overgrown eight acres, claiming that we didn't move out to the country to try to tame it (rather than admit that I also am far too lazy to even attempt it). Occasionally I will borrow a neighbor's mower to clean thirty-feet around the house for wild-fire safety, but that's it.

Since I am still pretending to be training Najale for some serious purpose, rather than simply admitting that he is a 900 lb. pet, I have been taking him out every evening to graze on the verdant scenery. We've gotten to the point where I can loop the lead rope over his back and leave him alone for quite some time while I continue on my personal project of rock-harvesting(to be explained another time).

Three evenings ago, I took the bold step in actually releasing Najale with nothing more than his halter on to browse on his own. Sally, the old mare, is the one in the past who has bolted for freedom and jumped the fence in pursuit of imaginary love, but she seems to be content with just eating, so I am keeping my fingers crossed (speaking of superstitions) that Najale won't be tempted to follow her bad example.

In fact, now the shoe seems to be on the other hoof. Sally has now become the difficult one to catch. I catch Najale, put the lead rope back on, and Sally normally follows close behind her baby. She now is saying, 'HELL, NO, WE WON'T GO" (anyone out there from the Vietnam era?) and continues to munch on grass.

Bribery worked well on my children when they were being raised, so I fill a bucket with Sally's favorite food - "Equine Senior Feed" (translation: little itty bitty granules of feed all sweetened with molasses and easier to digest), thinking I will tempt her to return to the corral every night.

It did work.... once.

Ufortunately, the next time I carelessly offer Najale a small handful of Sally's feed just so he doesn't feel left out (keeping a balanced relationship with your pets is important out here). OH NO - now the colt LOVES this stuff - he is the one trying to jam his muzzle into the bucket, cutting me off, and doing his little pretend-stud-rear-and-dance routine .

So what am I gonna do?

The obvious - get some feed for the colt, have him chase - er, follow me in the corral. And then Sally notices, hey, the kid is getting something before ME, and gallops over.

PROBLEM SOLVED!! That is, if you don't mind having two half-ton animals thundering down on you, intent upon what you are carrying.

PROVERBS I'VE NEVER KNOWN

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Honesty is like an icicle; if once it melts that is the end of it.

If you can't ride two horses at once, you shouldn't be in the circus.



Men seek less to be instructed than applauded.



Never miss a good chance to shut up.



Of two evils, it is always best to vote for the less hypocritical.

The bad gardener quarrels with his rake.


When pleasure interferes with business, give up business.


You don't put robbers to work in a bank.


A bashful dog never fattens.


A maid who laughs is half taken.


A stumble may prevent a fall.



Ale in, wit out.


Death always comes too early or too late.


A fool is thirsty in the midst of water.


When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion.


Confessed faults are half mended.


What may be done at any time will be done at no time.