ELEGANT VS EXTRAVAGANCE

I was understandably impressed with the office of the retina specialist I was referred to in Tucson.

Very comfortable couches and chairs in the waiting area - modern design - state-of-the-art examination rooms. To the point of luxurious.

Which leads me to two completely opposing views.

1. The doctors here are obviously very good.

2. Hey, that's my insurance money that is paying for your fancy decor!

A BICYCLE BUILT FOR ONE OLD LADY

A couple of weeks ago, I rode a bicycle (my daughter's) for the first time in years.

So I went ahead and bought one when I got back home.

And tonight I rode it for the first time.


Not everything went well.

The seat, which has this niffy little 'quick-set' so you can change the height on the bicycle seat, immediately fell down every single time I sat on it.

The chain fell off.

Twice.

The brakes worked, after a fashion, but made a constant irritating noise - much like the sound of a squirrel being slowly ground to death by a sander.

It was fantastic.

And to top it all off, I took the bike inside the horses' pasture.

And chased my horse around like a manic with the bike.

Can't imagine a better way to spend an evening.

FAIR AND BALANCED AND MODERATE AND IMPARTIAL AND UNBIASED

Everyone thinks that they are a good driver. Everyone thinks they are impartial. No one wants to think of themselves as prejudiced. And we all believe we have the correct political/ religious/ social viewpoint.

Is it possible to admit that we are all JERKS sometimes?

The greatest thing about the United States of America is we all HAVE THE RIGHT to be jerks. We can yell and scream and argue with each other until we get hoarse, sweaty and highly agitated.

But we do not have the right to shut up the other person.

I just wish sometimes I could - FoxNews really irritates me.

NEVER PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW THAT WHICH YOU CAN PUT OFF UNTIL THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

I have a pile of papers that need action, and I keep shuffling them around the desk.

So the following fits perfectly:

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (The Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

"AND THE WINNER IS...."

Some people go out of their way seeking public recognition and reward. Air time, public appearances, talk shows - it can make or break your career if you're in cinema, television, modeling.


If you have eight children to raise, it can bring in a lot of money.

Celebrities can help funding for major health, social and disaster organizations.

But the Nobel Prize is not awarded for being the most popular, most photographic, or having the most hits on their Facebook page.

Alfred Nobel of Sweden left the great majority his massive fortune (gained by the invention of dynamite - which also ended the life of his younger brother) to be awarded annually for for outstanding contributions in the fields of physics, chemistry, physiology or medicine, literature, and peace.

The Nobel Peace Prize is awarded by a committee appointed by the Norwegian Storting (their Parliament). According to Nobel's will, the Peace Prize is to go to whoever "shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses".

I know this won't change anyone from saying nasty things like "A very sad statement that after just 12 days in office he could be nominated for this, shows what little meaning the actual award has today. Pathetic!" and "It's sad to see the prestige of the prize become completely irrelevant when given to a politician! " (and in the comment they misspelled 'irrelevant')

BUT OBAMA DIDN'T ASK FOR IT - HE WAS AWARDED IT!

There - now I feel a little bit better.

THE NEIGHBORHOOD BULLIES

I think almost everyone has known a bully.

Even bullies have known a bully - they just don't think that they were a bully.

I got picked on in elementary school because I was taller than your average college graduate student at the time. I was 5'9" at age 12, which meant I was taller than my teachers, taller than my school's principal, and, most important of all, I was taller than every single boy on the playground.

Somehow this brought out the demons of male pride (sorry, men, but the girls were never the ones picking on me), and pushing, prodding and poking me were the only solution their limited brain could find.

I maintained my normal pacifist attitude for several years and simply walked away. And then one day I simply broke down and punched the kid back.

Hard.

The bullying stopped that day. I also gained a bit of a rep.

Now my dog is getting bullied.

My next-door neighbors, who are wonderful, caring and beautiful people you could possible ask for, unfortunately have one of the stupidest dogs even born on the planet.

Geronimo looks like a slightly obese yellow Labrador following a frontal lobotomy. He's huge and dopey and extremely enthusiast about any attention he can get.

Blanca is smaller, and quite a bit brighter (of course - she is a female, so...), but also more than a bit standoffish.

And when they get loose (which only happens a couple of times a year), they will happily follow you back to their home and go back into their fenced yard.

Unless they see MY dog - my smallish German Shepherd/Border Collie mix.

And then they attack him. Both of them. Simultaneously.

The same protection mother instinct that causes bears to kill any creature that comes between them and their cubs kicks right in, and I have beaten Geronimo and Blanca off my dog with yucca stalks, mesquite tree limbs and my bare hands.

Fortunately, Murray has an extremely thick coat, and at most has had to lick a few leg wounds.

But does anyone know of a canine self-defense class I can enroll him in?

I KNOW WHAT I SAW

I realize many, many UFO sightings have been debunked. Photographs have been falsified, films has been staged, witnesses have, yes, been named Bubba and were on their 12th beer when they saw skinny green people who flashed the Vulcan sign at 'em.

But right now I am watching The History, a program called "I Know What I Saw," sharing testimonies of fairly credible UFOs sightings. So far the program has had primarily pilots who spotted bright flying or hovering objects in mid-air, with radio transcripts and actual recordings of what they reported.

I am not one to shout from the rooftops, and I have done my best to stay away from UFO conventions, tabloids and chat rooms. And I do believe that a lot of people have mistakenly seen weather balloons, light reflections and just odd things, and reported them as UFOs.

But I have seen one.

Real close.

And, like the individuals on this television show, I know what I saw.